I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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