Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
