True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
