last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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