Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize