i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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