Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize