i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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