I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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