I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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