Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
