Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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