theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize