I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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