based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
