new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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