Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
we should paint friendship bongs
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
