Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
