I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
