I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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