sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
