Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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