Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
