You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
