Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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