I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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