i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
