What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
