My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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