She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
