hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
