it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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