We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
