Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
