Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
