i wish my penis had a tongue
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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