i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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