Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
