The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
