Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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