if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
