yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
