oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
