omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
