oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
