More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
