he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
