dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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