I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
