OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
