Umm I'm too high to move.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
