I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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