2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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