was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
