Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm at about main and main street
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize