break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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